Beer Jokes

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

BEER Q & A
Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.

Company Policy
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of beer on the premises,
there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

Beer Warning Labels
WARNING, the consumption of beer may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends
want to smash your head in.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may leave you wondering
what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of beer is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may lead you to believe
you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may lead you to think
people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may cause an influx in
the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING, the consumption of beer may actually cause
pregnancy.

Beer Pigs
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the
bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishs them off and
then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was
just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where
the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, i am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."

Beer Genie
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways,
a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the
stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension
filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Why Is Beer Better Than Woman?
You can enjoy beer all month long.
Beer stains wash out.
You don't have to wine and dine beer.
Your beer will always wait patiently for you while you play a sport.
When your beer goes flat, you toss it.
Beer is never late.
Hangovers go away.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never has a headache.
After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime.
A beer doesn't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.
You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
A beer always goes down easy.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
The only time a beer talks back is when you burp.
A beer is never late.
Your beer will wait patiently for you in the car while you play sports.
Beers don't get yeast infections.
You'll always get head from a beer.
You can always pick up a beer in a bar.
You can have a beer just about anywhere, anytime.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
A beer doesn't make you take out the garbage.
A beer doesn't nag.
A beer saves a trip to the free clinic.
A beer doesn't play mind games.
You can dump a beer, but it'll never dump you.
Beers don't use your credit cards.
When you need it real bad, you can get a beer for under $1.
Beer doesn't demand equality.

Why Beer Is Better Than Men
You can have more than one beer at a time.
You can get the size beer you want, even a long neck.
A beer won't give you whisker burns.
You can suck on one beer all night long if you want.
A beer doesn't have to be hard to be good.
You don't have to finish a beer in 2 minutes :
ou can take as long as you want.
A beer doesn't expect you to be true while it runs around.
A beer satisfies you every time.
A beer is always there when you want it.
If you pour a beer correctly, you can have as big of a head as you want.
It takes a long time for a beer to go flat.
Even when you pop your's beer top, you can still have a long stiff one.
Beers don't expect you to be faithful and never ask, "Is there another beer?"
You can have a quick beer on your lunch hour.
If you want to change beer, you don't have to get a lawyer.